The 12WBT journey for me so far has been an amazing one, I love that I am still learning new things about myself, how I handle situations and those days when things don’t go to plan. I always told myself, you have NO excuses, you have all the time in the world to plan and train! You don’t have any children or a husband to pick up, cook, clean and be available 24/7, your work isn’t protecting the prime minister or saving lives in a hospital – no excuses.
I found that I wasn’t really helping myself at all. I was keeping myself busy helping others, from organising events with friends to charity runs/walks or from working as a PT, running bootcamps or whatever was going on to keep me from not thinking that I am alone, that people needed me. I needed them.
I was overtraining and putting on weight. I was training hard but also eating too much food, 80% of the time my food was good, it was the binges that happened when alone that I was totally in denial about. I found that red wine became an outlet for me, with all the excuses that hid behind it (I worked hard this week, I deserve it because the day ends in Y, I will do a double class tomorrow to work it off)etc. I would eat a block of chocolate or a packet of lollies or order a nice thai curry to accompany the wine and think, I am training my butt off this won’t count…. now I didn’t “binge” everyday, would only be one day a week with a few too many treat meals out – enough to put on the 8kgs that I just lost in Round 1.
To others I am always happy, smiling, outgoing, busy with this and that and inspiring/motivating others to be who they want, when really sometimes I feel that I cannot stop because I am too scared of what happens mentally when I get too much time to think, this dosen’t happen ALL the time but does happen. I think I wanted to put on weight as an excuse for being single or as a substitute for truly accepting who I was as a person and not feeling that I was worthy. I was keeping myself busy so didn’t have time to go on dates, well that was my excuse. I stopped being a PT and all my beliefs in fitness and health seemed to just fade. I had lost confidence and my fitness mojo.
Something changed in January of this year – something clicked and I knew I had to make changes otherwise I would be going down a very self destructive, unhealthy path. For those who have met me know that I am super hyperactive – go go go go is me… if I don’ t exercise, have Donna down time or do relaxing yoga or bodybalance this can overtake my body and mind, it can turn me into a crazy mess – but not many people see this side, as I have always enjoyed having exercise as an outlet, for frustration, tension but also to get that adrenalin rush that makes you feel alive and on top of the world.
This past weekend I really felt that I am worthy, I made some good decisions about previous relationships and decisions made in the last few months. I feel that 12WBT has helped me find the right path for ME again, I find myself turning down events now and not jumping to organise everything, because, sometimes it is nice not to have plans and keep your options open and that is ok. I have this fabulous new family who are ALL going through hard times and not afraid to tell people, this takes so much courage but also gives me an Oprah moment when I can chare my story too without comparing it to others. I always know I am a lucky person with a great job, great friends & family but I too have had days where I feel like I am not worthy enough, that I am just tiny and I don’t deserve to be happy. ** My measurement is, well I am single, no one obviously wants me…** I think it starts from within.
NOW – I do not compare myself to others as much, I have so much love and light to give myself , I know that some days are going to be hard but I have learnt that it is how you deal with these days that is going to keep you on track. I have finally gotten comfortable with accepting the advice I so often give others. The last 12 months has been a busy time with lots of change, but I feel like I am back on track and an awesome one at that, I am putting what I say into action & believing in myself. I can achieve the goals I am setting in all areas of my life. I won’t settle for second best.
I am becoming the best version of ME!